Too Picky About Who They Sleep With

In an era dominated by dating apps, where romantic possibilities are seemingly infinite, a new question arises: can one be too selective when choosing intimate partners? Our choice of partners is influenced by myriad factors, from biology and upbringing to past experiences and societal norms. Let’s unpack the layers that make us choose one person over another and whether being “too picky” is a boon or a bane.

1. Evolution and selectivity:

Historically, selectivity was linked to survival. Our ancestors sought partners who could ensure the survival of their offspring. While the threats have evolved, some remnants of this evolutionary legacy remain. For instance, many are subconsciously attracted to indicators of good health, fertility, or stability.

2. Societal influence on selectivity:

We live in a society where a lot of importance is given to an individual’s appearance, status, and other superficial metrics. Pop culture, peer pressure, and even family expectations can subtly dictate our preferences, pushing some into a narrow mold of what’s deemed ‘acceptable’ or ‘desirable’.

3. The role of past relationships and experiences:

Our past significantly impacts our choices:

Past traumas: someone with a history of betrayal or trauma might be extra-cautious, leading them to be more selective or avoidant.

Former relationships: positive or negative experiences can set templates for future choices. For instance, someone who felt smothered in a past relationship might prioritize partners who value independence.

4. Individual values and priorities:

Selectivity is also shaped by personal priorities and values:

Emotional connection: some prioritize a deep emotional connection, wanting to bond mentally before getting intimate.

Lifestyle and aspirations: similar life goals, from career trajectories to family plans, might be a deciding factor for many.

Health and safety: concerns about sexually transmitted infections can make one selective, emphasizing mutual testing or exclusivity before intimacy.

5. The psychological dynamics:

Several psychological factors can influence selectivity:

Fear of vulnerability: guarding oneself against potential hurt can mean being highly selective or even avoidant.

Self-worth and validation: for some, the act of being selective boosts self-worth, feeling that they’re choosing the ‘cream of the crop’. Conversely, some may feel validated by being with many partners, equating quantity with self-worth.

6. The advantages of being selective:

Being choosy has its benefits:

Meaningful connections: taking time to choose often means deeper, more meaningful connections.

Avoiding unwanted consequences: being selective can lead to safer sexual practices and fewer regrets.

Personal alignment: intimacy based on genuine compatibility and shared values can be more fulfilling.

7. The potential downside to high selectivity:

While having standards is essential, extreme selectivity can have drawbacks:

Missed opportunities: by adhering strictly to a set criterion, one might miss out on getting to know diverse individuals.

Loneliness: high selectivity, especially if driven by fear, might lead to isolation.

Perception by peers: in some circles, being “too picky” might lead to judgments or pressure.

8. Reevaluating selectivity:

For those who believe they might be on the extreme end of selectivity, introspection can help:

Distinguish between needs and wants: while some criteria are essential, others might be flexible. Knowing the difference can open up possibilities.

Therapy and counseling: for those whose selectivity stems from past trauma or fear, therapy can be beneficial.

Open-mindedness: this doesn’t mean compromising on essential values but allowing oneself to be surprised by unexpected matches.

9. Embracing individual choice:

Ultimately, the degree of selectivity is a personal choice. Everyone has the right to choose who they get intimate with and on what terms. It’s essential, however, to ensure that these choices stem from genuine personal preferences and not external pressures or unaddressed fears.


Selectivity in choosing intimate partners is multi-faceted, influenced by biology, society, personal experiences, and individual values. While being selective has its merits, it’s essential to periodically introspect and ensure that one’s choices align with genuine desires and well-being.

There’s no universally right degree of selectivity. Each individual must find their balance, ensuring their choices lead to happiness, fulfillment, and personal growth.